I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
