This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
