nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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