just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
