Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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