So drunk its hurt
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
