this beer tastes like vomit already
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
