she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You are the jesus of drinking
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
