One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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