You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
