drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
