My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
