Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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