New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
