I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
