What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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