guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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