The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
