Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
