oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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