I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
