this beer tastes like vomit already
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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