Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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