Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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