i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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