You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
