dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
