just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
