My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
