I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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