Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
