im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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