I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
