(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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