So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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