making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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