when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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