Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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