he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
