new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i would punch a child for taco bell
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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