are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
