Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
So squirting runs in the family.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
