remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
