I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
