well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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