I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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