this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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