it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
