You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
