yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
