You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
